Saturday, October 12, 2019

Diary of a Great Dane

In October of 2014, I had my first dog- and cat-sitting experience while friends were away.  I grew especially attached to a dog named Gunner.  This column was almost titled “Adventures of a Dog Sitter,” but Gunner and I became such good friends that I contemplated what life was like from his point of view.  Then the title became. . .

Diary of a Great Dane

            My name is Gunner, and I’m four years old.  I’m part Great Dane and part shiny Black Labrador Retriever, totally black, not flawed with any cutesy white spots on my chest or tail.

            I have a sister named Cynamin who is part German Shepherd and part Akita.  She’s pretty even though her face looks like a bat.  The cat lives with us too.  He’s a smart aleck, and he won’t eat his food unless it’s served to His Royal Highness in a freshly cleaned bowl every time.  His name is Lucky.

            I knew the Humans were going to leave us as I watched them take bundles and boxes to their car.  They do that a couple times a year.  It hurts my feelings a little, but they always have a sitter take care of us.  This time it was a new one.  I saw her through the window, and rambled to the door with my fiercest bark.  She wasn’t afraid and didn’t get excited.  Since the Humans hug other humans when they visit, I was sure this sitter would like it if I gave her a hug.  I jumped up to lick her face and she petted my head before she said, “Down.”  She obviously appreciated that I’m part lap dog.

            Me and Cynamin followed her to the kitchen.  I tried to sniff all the things she was putting in the refrigerator and cupboards because it’s what I do.  She didn’t give me any of it though, and it hurt my feelings a little.  I’m sure I heard the sound of treats in one of the boxes.

            She put the gate up at the top of the stairs.  The Humans must have already trained her, doggone it.  That means I can’t get to Lucky’s food bowl, can’t eat any chewy snacks out of his litter box, and can’t drink the blue water out of the big white bowl.

            I thought she would be all rules and no play, but she likes to go outside with us.  Sometimes when the Humans ask, “Wanna go outside?” it doesn’t mean they want to come out with us.  I clenched my rope toy between my teeth, showing off my one-inch cuspids, and she really thought I was going to give it to her!  She chased me around the yard for a while, but my swiftness was too much for her.  My toy.  Not sharing.

            I wrestled with Cynamin when she tried to steal the sitter’s attention.  She used her big nose to slide her head under the sitter’s arm and before I knew it, she was on the floor getting a belly rub!  It wasn’t fair, so I tackled her.  Twice.

            Cynamin is afraid of loud noises, and there was a thunderstorm today.  I know I’m not supposed to make fun of my sister, but her reaction to a thunder boomer is pawsitively hysterical!  She dashes into the living room, running too fast toward the steps, and when she turns before crashing into the wall with all the pictures hanging on it, that curly tail catches Grandma’s picture frame and BOOYAH!  Down comes the picture and Grandma is eating the Pergo flooring again!  It never gets old!

            No matter what humans say, when we fight like cats and dogs, it’s all Lucky’s fault.  He’s an agitator.  Like yesterday, I tried to enjoy a nap, ignoring how he was stalking me from his favorite perch on the arm of the couch.  Did he leave me alone?  No, he pounced on my collar and used my face for speed bag punches.  Then I chased him behind the couch, and Cynamin blocked the other end and we kept him trapped.  Stupid cat.

            We weren’t the only ones who trapped him.  The sitter found my brown blankie that I like to suck.  The slobber on it was at slurpylicious perfection.  She made a face and stuck out her tongue when she touched it, and I thought she was going to suck on it too.  But instead, she put it in a laundry basket.  When she went downstairs to the basement, she didn’t see Lucky follow her.  After she came up, she shut the door on him!  Priceless!  We heard him meowing, and we sat in the corner trying not to let the sitter hear us snickering.  He stayed there like a dork on the opposite side of the door until the sitter went back downstairs.

            I like cat food.  I know I’m not supposed to eat Lucky’s, but the can on the counter top this morning was too tempting.  It wasn’t opened yet, but that never matters, so I snuck it when the sitter wasn’t looking.  She heard me chewing on it later, and discovered my secret treasure.  When she approached me, I knew she wanted to take it away so I growled at her.  She backed off, but kept yelling words I didn’t understand:   metal, cut, mouth.   She was scheming to get me to give up my loot, but I refused.

            She tried to trick me and took Cynamin outside without me.  I couldn’t go because that would have meant leaving my ill gotten gains behind.  She fed Cynamin milk bones and pig ears right in front of me!  It hurt my feelings a little, but she wasn’t getting my cat food.  She tried to entice me with an already opened can of roasted chicken flavored cat food, but that was silly.  The fun is in chewing the can!  Chewing’s my favorite.

            Then she played dirty and broke out the Pup-Peroni’s!   Oh-my-gaaaawwwwddd!   I swallow them whole!  I don’t even chew them!  They are so yummy - I can’t stop to chew!  I surrendered and smothered her in pooch smooches even though she seized what was left of the cat food can.

            At night, I slept next to the sitter.  I liked the feel of her back against mine, but she woke up and nudged me, trying to make me move.  I didn’t want to, so I pretended I was still sleeping.  She pushed harder, but I wouldn’t let her pull the covers out from under me.   Her meager strength was no match for the fortitude of my 150-pound frame, but instead of giving up and going back to sleep against me, she moved to the other side of the bed.   It hurt my feelings a little, but once she fell asleep, I resumed my back-to-back sleep snuggle.  I hope she stays here for a long time.  I woof her.

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